side info.: im a 15 year old boy. i have a 5 year old brother, an 11 year old brother, a19 year old brother, a 17 year old sister and my mom and dad who are not together and they all live in california
so about a year and a half ago i left my family and friends that were basically family all behind. my dad and brother and sister were all starting to drink and do stupid things. so i left from california to new york to live with my grandma.ive made awesome new friends and have a lot of family out here that i love so much. so about 6 months after i left, my brother father and sister all got arrested for robbery and assault. my sister is now out, my brother has a year left, and my dad has 5 and a half years. me and my dad didnt have a great relationship. he hated me when he was drunk and often ignored me. although we started to get along before i left, i knew that he was making wrong decision. but my dad taught me that family comes first and to always be together and that was very important to me. we had such a strong bond that no one could take down. so now ive been here about a year and a half but there hasnt been one day thats gone by that i havent thought of my family. i need them so much and they need me so much. my sister started to do serious drugs and drink all day. my little brother is acting out because he has no one to express his feelings to. my mom got a job and gives him very little attention now. all he has is my baby brother and they have fun together but he also takes his anger out on him. i feel i should be there for him and my sister. although my sister stopped taking drugs so much, shes still a drunk. it kills me to be away from them. i live with my gramma and my uncle. my gramma works all day and still cant afford the rent and my uncles bee trying very hard to get a job. her son, my dad, is in prison for the second time. the first time was for car jacking. shes under so much stress and if i leave i just dont want her to be sad. my uncle doesnt talk to her very much because hes embarassed becasue he cant step up and pay the bills. i love her so much and all my friends. i wanna go back to california so bad and its killing me that im not there, but iknow it will be the same if i leave my gramma here. what do i do? i cannot make a decision. everyone says do what you think is best. i have no clue whats best. and i wanna listen to my heart but my heart doesnt know what to do either. ive been thinking about this for one and a half years and cant make a decision. its the middle of the school year, but im getting very depressed away from my family. i started drinking a lot and smoking cigarettes. its disgusting. if i go back to california it will be just as bad because i left my new life behing. im begging you to help me.
Chosen Answer:
Jordan,
Right now if I could reach through this computer screen I would put my arms around you and give you a big hug.
I’m going to try to take this one thing at a time.
Your dad is right. Family is important and the family should stick together. BUT if sticking together means the destruction of each other sometimes it best to get away. I believe family is important too. But not when it leads you to do things that are wrong. Like with your brother and sister. If your dad hadn’t been the instigator with them, they most likely wouldn’t have gotten into trouble. Even though family is important. You don’t do thing that will make your family members get into trouble like your father did. That was wrong and a contradiction to what he tried to teach you all about family.
I think you did the right thing to go to your grandma to get away from all the stress all of this was causing to you. But I understand why it tears you apart too. You have been put into a situation where your loyalties and love to your brothers and sister and mom is being pitted against your loyalties and love for your grandma. In a way it’s a no win situation. On the one hand if you go back for your younger brothers, you feel you fail your grandma but if you stay you fail your younger brothers and sister.
To be honest with you. The adults in your life. Your dad, your mom and even your sister and older brother have failed you! You are not failing anyone. This is too much to ask of a young man who is 15 years old. You should be out having a typical teenage experience. Not torn apart because the adults in your family are falling apart. It should never be up to you to make it ok for everyone else.
IF you were to go back to California. Will you be able to live with your mom? And if you live with your mom can you still go to school? And can you take up the slack with your younger brothers and watch them while mom works and help her take care of them? Those will be the things you MUST do to make the difference for your brothers. IF you want your life to be better than your dad’s or your uncle’s etc you HAVE to get an education. Education is the way out of rut your family has seemed to settle into. For you, your younger brothers and to help your mom.
If you can work that out with your mom then go back and help her with your YOUNGER brothers.
I really don’t think there is much you can do for your sister and your older brother. And NOTHING you can do for your dad. Your sister must come to a point that she realizes not only does she have to stay off the drugs she has to stop drinking. She’s used it to try to medicate the hurt in her life away. And that doesn’t work. Your brother will have to make a decision when he gets out what he is going to do. Be a bad example for his younger siblings or turn his life around and make a difference. But their ages preclude you can’t help them with it. They have to make those decisions themselves.
Now if you really think you can shoulder the burdens of helping your mom with your brothers. Sit down with your grandmother and talk to her about what you want to do. That you want to help your brothers to have a steady positive influence. One they can rely upon in their lives. Ask her for her blessing to go back. I’m pretty sure she may accept that. Take the guilt off of you for leaving.
You also need to talk to your mom about how you feel. She needs to understand that even though you will be coming back to help your brothers You need her support to help you finish school.
And Jordan Sweetheart, you’ve seen what drinking does to people when they loose control and start doing it to escape. You need to stop that. The cigarettes aren’t good either and can impact your health further down the road. But, that is less important than the drinking. Try to get the drinking out of your life. Stay away from those that help you get the booze. Ok?
Ok, I can’t really say you should go back or you shouldn’t. I know that if you do go back you will have to do so with a positive outlook “Hoping” to be a positive influence for your younger brothers. But able to accept it if it doesn’t work. And have a plan for what you are going to do if it doesn’t work. I hope if you do go, it works out and your brothers respond to you being there.
I can’t really say you should stay. You do belong with your mom and younger brothers…. but your grandma is there to be your back up your refuge.
Good luck and I wish you wisdom……